Skepticism Exhausted Me

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"Kathleen's story has been a tremendous encouragement to the Soma community. Kathleen grew up as a skeptic with a lot of questions about God, faith, and the church. Over the last several years, God used the patient love, conversation, and service of her husband and missional community to draw Kathleen into a relationship with Jesus. I hope this story will encourage other ministry leaders who are praying and laboring among populations of seekers and skeptics."

— Brandon Shields, Lead Pastor of Soma Indianapolis

For as long as I can remember, I have always felt the presence of God and the desire to understand him better. Somehow though, I became more interested in asking questions than I was about actually finding the answers. I grew comfortable living in constant doubt. On one hand, I wanted to believe that there was a God and he loved us, but on the other hand I didn’t want to sacrifice my personal objections. Skepticism had taken deep root in my heart and had become a part of my identity. It’s exhausting to live this way and over the years I grew to a breaking point where I felt like I needed to give up the pursuit altogether or dive in headfirst.

Skepticism had taken deep root in my heart and had become a part of my identity. It’s exhausting to live this way.

In God’s wisdom, he has put people in my life that would hear out my objections and graciously point me toward truth. These have been the type of people that say “That’s a great question and totally rational, but have you ever thought about it this way? Or, “Hey, look, here’s the answer in the Bible.”

What I’ve learned from actually reading and learning about the gospel is that it isn’t just a story. There is actual evidence that Jesus walked the Earth and was raised from the dead. At the end of the day, you either accept the facts or you don’t. Still, God never demands that we live with complete certainty or complete understanding. Even Jesus’ disciples, who witnessed his miracles first hand and were basically hit over the head with truth, still had a hard time grasping who he was. What made them Christians is that they continued to follow him in faith. I want to follow Him in faith, too.

I still feel doubt, but every time I try to walk away, he places on me a tangible grief that prevents it. Being a Christian hasn’t been a clean “before and after” story. I’m still living the “before” and the “after” will not happen fully until my death. I haven’t had any life changing events, or beautiful “Ah Ha” moments. Rather, I’ve had a hundred small revelations brought about by living in community and talking with believers. I still have a lot of times when I feel confused, resistant, or lost. What I’m doing through baptism is taking a leap of faith and trusting that my friends, family, and community at Soma will keep helping me walk in faith.

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